Not quite June Cleaver and other thoughts while avoiding the dishes

I had a friend of mine the other day ask me how I managed everything, what with a 7 month old, a husband in school, working from home, and attempting to be a somewhat decent wife and mother... Not to mention bring Sir's pet, although she isn't aware of that one.

My response was to simply laugh and explain that well, my dishes are rarely done and my house isn't immaculate. Something gives, and often it's either the laundry or dishes. There simply isn't enough hours in the day for everything to happen. Not if I want to retain any amounts of sanity. I could and did totally get away with not sleeping when I was in college, I just upped the amount of coffee consumed, and increased my cigarette smoking. Apparently that sort of thing is frowned on when you're a mum. But in my defence, I was able to get an immense amount of things done every day with that system.
But when I was pregnant or prior to that I totally would have expected to have an immaculate house. I would work all week, then while Sir was at work on Saturday I would clean the house and do the menu planning and whatnot for the upcoming week. I was a fucking superwoman of household management. Now, haha not so much. I consider it a rare treat if I manage to get everything done on any of my to do lists. Even more so this week.

Sir and I were planning on visiting my parents for the holiday, but because of a work commitment of my parents they headed out of town on Friday and I flew in early with little bug to oversee my younger sister while they are out of town. Oh my goodness I had not realised how hard it was going to be to be a single mum for a week. Nor had I realised just how much I relied on Sir for support when parenting. To all the single mums out there, I salute you. It isn't made any easier by the fact that my little sister has a schedule that would make grown men exhausted. She is a competitive swimmer who has at least 7 practices a week, and still manages to pull straight As at her private school. All of this said though, her school and pool are a good twenty to thirty minutes away in good traffic, so everyday Little bug and I are in the car for at least three hours.

On to other things, so when I left home last week it was under the understanding that Sir would take the time while I'm gone to think about things. And while he was thinking, I was going to do some as well. It only makes sense after all. I was reading something this morning that really hit home that I thought I would share as oh my goodness it totally sums up how I've been feeling. And made me wonder if maybe I need to rethinks my own approach. 

"I know that things are going to change now, but I...want you to know that I don't, like, worship you because it helps me get off or something. I just...you're on top because it's where you belong."

I was getting louder. It felt like someone else was talking for me.

"I only want to do things that make you feel good. Just know that making you happy is what makes me happy. You don't have to do anything that feels wrong, ever, but I hope that..."

I trailed off, having run out of the right words. I searched my mind for a moment.

"I hope you like new things. Like this. Anything you can dream of, I want us to do it together," I said."


My submission isn't about the rituals or the spankings. It's just about doing things that make him happy. Because that is what makes me most content. 

And now, I should probably get to those dishes. 

I don't know...

"I don't know" those three words seem to be Sir's motto these last couple of months.

"So you seemed like you had a lot going on, and I didn't want to bring it up, but we talked about doing spankings three times a week and it happened once after that... What is...?"

"I don't know" sigh

"Oh, ok..." Silence.

At what point do I just say I'm done? It's been months since I last read someone else's blog, because it's been too painful, too much wishful thinking. Hell, it's been months since I've logged onto the actual blogger website. I've just been blogging from my phone so I wouldn't have to look at other people's blogs talking about their journey. I'm so tired of having a husband who seems like he can find time or energy for everything but our D/s. I'm tired of feeling resentful of our son because of the attention he is given. I'm tired of having a Sir who goes through the motions, who I have such a desire to serve, but appears to neither wants nor desires my submission.

I've been what we'll call "miss sassy pants" lately, and a large part of it is because I'm so damn tired of fucking around with a man who's answer 95% of the time is "I don't know". How the hell can you not know for that much???

If he wants to finish our D/s relationship then ok, I just need to know. And if he does, it will hurt, a lot. Because he knew coming into marriage that I strive and desire submission.

Two steps forward one step back

Well, as always things have been crazy busy around here. Sir is almost done with school for the term and work has been going strong for me. I applied for an open position, with a company with whom I had previously been offered a position, a couple a weeks ago and now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I hear something soon. I've never been good at waiting, and this is even harder because it could change everything at home. 

We are headed home for the Christmas holiday in a couple of weeks. My grandmum offered to fly us home because she has yet to meet her great grandson. And as the son of her favoured granddaughter, and the first born blood great grandchild, it is important to her that they meet. I had hoped to celebrate the holiday here, as a family of three, attending Christmas liturgy at our parish with little bug's godfather, but that won't be the case. 

I don't want to sound ungrateful for this gift, and I realize that I am, but I wanted our decision to make the financially sound decision to be the final decision regarding this matter. I did not want family interference or offerings. I just wanted to be. 

On a happier note, Sir and I seem to be doing much better. It has now been almost a month since we've had a serious argument, and we are laughing much more now. Our sex life could use some work, but with everything going on, and sharing our bedroom with little bug, time and space are two luxeries that we simply don't have at the moment. But he's been stepping up much more, and the bamboo has come out a couple of times, as has his natural dominance. We seem to be in a good place. Am I satisfied with where we are? For now it works, like I said, we have very little time and space. But we have made the decision to move into a larger apartment next summer which will definitely help. And if I am offered a position with the company then he will be able to leave his job, which will give both of us more energy. 

Sir opened up to me the other night about some of his fears about being a dom. One of them I'm hoping to get some readers advice with. He is concerned that being dominate is the same thing as being selfish and that in being a dom he won't be as good of a husband or man to me. Can anyone offer some words of wisdom to that?

Being still and changes

Things have been quiet on this end these last several weeks as far as TTWD is concerned. Our lives outside of TTWD have been anything but however. 

It's frustrating how the moment I take time off from life, things that had needed a bit of TLC before suddenly need a visit to the ER of life. We spent a good chunk of time discussing (I use that phrase extremely loosely) our marriage and our future plans for our lives. The only thing not discussed was TTWD. He never wanted to talk about it, and I didn't want to push him. It was probably one of the most frustrating months we've had in a long time, in part because of that reason. I never understood why he refused to talk about something that he knew was incredibly important to me, and I assumed was important to him as well. And it was incredibly painful not having that in our lives. 

But, we've come around to a good place. We've discovered a really healthy means of communicating about difficult topics, via writing back and forth to each other. It gives each person a chance to lay out what they have to say, with out the rising tempers that normally accompany a certain sort of discussion. 

This month has been challengingin other   unexpected ways. When I started my break I had no intention of looking at grad schools. I really thought I was done for a while. And then something sort of fell into my lap that changed my mind; an invitation to a MBA admissions event at a local very prestigious university. I went at the serious urging of Sir and my therapist, not planning on doing anything with the experience, just intending on using it as an excuse to get out of the apartment for the day. But the experience I had that day really changed where I thought I was going. So I'm working on getting my application in, and we will see where that takes me. In addition to grad school though a work opportunity presented itself. A position with a regional company opened up that fits my experience to the T. Again, I wasn't planning on moving positions, I love where I'm at, and the ability to work from home and be with little bug is so important to me. But having a position with financial security would be huge. As would the fact that Sir could leave his current job and be a stay at home dad and full time student. So I'll apply, and see where that takes me. 

It's really been a month of changes that were unexpected. There has been growth, and tears, and anger throughout. But at the end of it, it's been a good month. Our marriage is finally getting the hard work and dedication it needs, and TTWD is still present. Not as much as I would like, but there is definitely dialogue. 

Why

Why I do the things I do:

Why do I smoke?

Because I enjoy the almost erotic caress of the smoke on my month and tongue. The heady dizziness that comes with that first inhalation, the feeling of warmth on my fingertips on cold mornings ~ that moment of calm that comes with the smell of the elegantly cut cigarette. 

Why do I allow myself that occasional orgasm?

Because there is a rush of power that comes with the frantic orgasm - the knowledge that I am in control of my pleasure, the feel of the hot moisture between my legs, my clit burning with an almost unquenchable need. The warmth of the afternoon sunlight on my naked body, sweaty from desire, the elusive thoughts that swim into focus, bringing with them an almost unnatural desire for power, admiration, and at the same time total submission.

Why do I push my body past the point of endurance?

Because pain is thrilling, an aphrodisiac. It clears my head, leaving only what is important behind. there is a sort of reckless abandon when my body protest from every fiber, but I push on. Ignoring the pain, as though it is a weakness to overcome. Because it is, pain is meant to be savoured, embraced, felt throughout every particle, and then rejected; tossed aside like a weak lover. 

Why do I give myself to my husband, calling him my Sir?

Because the world feels better knowing that he is trying to lead me. Because when I am at his feet I can turn my brain off, simply feeling, being. Because my soul is happiest when his hand is on my head, letting me know that I am loved, cherished and protected. Because he is a man who is called to great things. 

Why I don't want to be a presvytera.

Because I want more out of life than to have it dictated by the church. Because while i love the church, and am a (mostly) eager participant in the fasts and feasts, confession, prayers and liturgy, I also love the freedom we have to move where we want, to sleep in on Sundays and play hooky, to travel wherever and whenever we please. And I love my husband, the man with an enormous heart, a man who could loose himself in a parish. And I could not stand it, not would our marriage survive if he let the church become "the other woman". I am a jealous woman, and married because I love my husband. I don't share well, with anyone. Our lives would be dictated, bound by what the Bishop thought best, living where we were called to go. I drink, I smoke, I swear, I'm sassy at my best, and a bitch at my worst and I love ink. I am, in many ways, a parish's worst nightmare. Furthermore, I want the freedom that comes from living outside of the clergy. 

However... if this is what he truly wants, what he is called to do, then I will take on the title Pres. And I will be a pres who drinks, smokes, and swears like a sailor on leave complete with the ink. And I will take my place next to my husband, and take the blind leap of faith into the unknown world of service to the church. 

Post birthday sex

Sir's planned birthday sex didn't go quite as planned last night. Didn't really go at all actually. Apparently walking 3 miles in cooler temps doesn't do good things for my lingering cold. Who would have thought! (It did seem like a really good idea at the time and I thought I was mostly better.) We got home last night after our walk and errand running and pretty much collapsed on the couch. We were all exhausted, from little bug to Sir. So, after dinner of awesome Trader Joes gluten free pizza, fries, hard cider and a cupcake (it was his birthday after all) we called it a night; planning on having sex today. 

Post birthday sex rocked. We finally had a chance to use our bed (little bug sleeps in our room and often in our bed) during nap time! Somehow being on the bed and not on the floor makes sex so much better. And the beloved crop came out :-D oh the crop, I could sing its praises. He likes to use it on my lady bits which feel amazing, so sharp and stingy yet warm all at the same time. Aside from that our time together was so nice. Nothing too crazy, just two people in love wanting to be close. Ok, there might have been some throat grabbing and choking, but that's considered normal... Right? ;-). The only thing that didn't happen was the birthday head, because in order to give head I have to be able to breath more than I am right now. But, that just means I'll have to make up for it later! After I'm better of course, I thought I would be brilliant and go for another walk today and now I'm on the couch for the rest of the evening. Hopefully I've learned my lesson this time!!

Coconut oil and other life bits

Ah coconut oil, the gift of the gods and what gets me through the day... Oh wait, that's coffee. Any hoo, aside from coffee coconut oil is my most used and cherished household product. I realized this morning in the shower that I might be addicted to the stuff, and so decided to share with all of you what I do with it. Because I can, and because that's how much I love the stuff. 

1. Cooking (thought I would start with the obvious). 

2. Protecting cutting boards, seasoning cast iron pans, and sealing my wooden cooking spoons. (Great as an antifungal/anti bacterial product)

3. Hair serum, works great for controlling the humidity disturbed hair. 

4. Hair growth aid. Post pregnancy hair sucks. About two months post birth it felt like all of my beautiful locks had decided that they had had enough and were fleeing in droves. Thought I was going bald. Apparently this wasn't the case according to my father-in-law/hair stylist. But still, the coconut oil is helping with the regrowth process. 

5. Hair conditioner, massage it through your hair warm, leave it in for 30+ minutes then wash it out. Leaves your hair looking super shiny and healthy!! 

6. Great as lotion and moisturiser. 

7. Good in place of soap in the shower. I rub it like I would soap then use a rough cloth and scrub it off. I'm all about the being squeaky clean and exfoliate like there is no tomorrow (seriously, just ask my Sir. I don't use a washcloth in the shower, I use something that looks like it wants to be sandpaper) and I was sort of horrified by the amount of grime that came off the first time I used it. 

8. Makes excellent shaving cream, leaves your skin feeling super soft and supple. Also, I've never gotten a closer shave on my lady bits and underarms than I do with it. And it means that I can go longer without shaving! Having a 4 month old, and being required to keep a smooth pussy means that I look for every way possible to stretch out shaving days. Who has time for it?? 

9. Oil pulling!! Great for the mouth, teeth, gums, breath. All in all amazing to do:-) also, helps build up the sucking abilities needed for adult fun :-D

10. Makeup primer, more gentle on my skin than anything I've found out there. Also doesn't leave my skin burning, which I understand is a good thing!

11. Good for digestion, I try to eat a tableapoon a day. Makes my body happier. I also give some to little bug via breastfeeding. 

12. Really good for cradle cap for little bug. 

13. Makes little bug's skin happier as well:-) 

14. Makes amazing lube. I'm really sensitive to most commercial lubes and had to switch to something that didn't leave my lady bits on fire and coconut oil saved the day!! Because nothing says come hither like feeling like somebody just shoved some fire ants up there. Really puts a damper on the mood. Coconut oil also leaves us feeling far less sticky because it's absorbed for the most part into our skin. 

15. Great for polishing up my favourite leather crop, leaving it feeling quite supple. 

16. Good for polishing leather things in general. I've polished Sir's shoes with it to a brilliant shine.

17. And furniture, good for polishing furniture. Non toxic, light smell, doesn't tend to leave oil stains. 

18. Good appetite suppressor, one tableapoon before meals:-)

19. Helps to eliminate stretch marks!

 

20. And last but not least, it's supposed to be good for diaper cream I just found out. Haven't used it yet, but I certainly plan on it. 

There you folks have it, my favourite things to do with the all beloved coconut oil. Looking back at the list I'm realizing why I go through so much of it so quickly. It might be time to start investing in it in bulk. The stuff is like liquid gold. 

On to the other bits part. It's Sir's birthday today!! We are holding off doing anything to celebrate until next week when I can get a sitter, but there will be birthday sex and head tonight, that's for sure:-) And we've reached another milestone in little bug's lifestyle, his four month growth spurt. Couldn't figure out why he seemed so crabby these last couple of days and just wanting to eat. It's all clear to us now. I brought him to Sir this morning and one of the first things he said was "did he get bigger overnight?"  Sigh, he's growing up so quickly:-( Well, that's enough of the bits. It's time for some afternoon tea