Not quite June Cleaver and other thoughts while avoiding the dishes

I had a friend of mine the other day ask me how I managed everything, what with a 7 month old, a husband in school, working from home, and attempting to be a somewhat decent wife and mother... Not to mention bring Sir's pet, although she isn't aware of that one.

My response was to simply laugh and explain that well, my dishes are rarely done and my house isn't immaculate. Something gives, and often it's either the laundry or dishes. There simply isn't enough hours in the day for everything to happen. Not if I want to retain any amounts of sanity. I could and did totally get away with not sleeping when I was in college, I just upped the amount of coffee consumed, and increased my cigarette smoking. Apparently that sort of thing is frowned on when you're a mum. But in my defence, I was able to get an immense amount of things done every day with that system.
But when I was pregnant or prior to that I totally would have expected to have an immaculate house. I would work all week, then while Sir was at work on Saturday I would clean the house and do the menu planning and whatnot for the upcoming week. I was a fucking superwoman of household management. Now, haha not so much. I consider it a rare treat if I manage to get everything done on any of my to do lists. Even more so this week.

Sir and I were planning on visiting my parents for the holiday, but because of a work commitment of my parents they headed out of town on Friday and I flew in early with little bug to oversee my younger sister while they are out of town. Oh my goodness I had not realised how hard it was going to be to be a single mum for a week. Nor had I realised just how much I relied on Sir for support when parenting. To all the single mums out there, I salute you. It isn't made any easier by the fact that my little sister has a schedule that would make grown men exhausted. She is a competitive swimmer who has at least 7 practices a week, and still manages to pull straight As at her private school. All of this said though, her school and pool are a good twenty to thirty minutes away in good traffic, so everyday Little bug and I are in the car for at least three hours.

On to other things, so when I left home last week it was under the understanding that Sir would take the time while I'm gone to think about things. And while he was thinking, I was going to do some as well. It only makes sense after all. I was reading something this morning that really hit home that I thought I would share as oh my goodness it totally sums up how I've been feeling. And made me wonder if maybe I need to rethinks my own approach. 

"I know that things are going to change now, but I...want you to know that I don't, like, worship you because it helps me get off or something. I just...you're on top because it's where you belong."

I was getting louder. It felt like someone else was talking for me.

"I only want to do things that make you feel good. Just know that making you happy is what makes me happy. You don't have to do anything that feels wrong, ever, but I hope that..."

I trailed off, having run out of the right words. I searched my mind for a moment.

"I hope you like new things. Like this. Anything you can dream of, I want us to do it together," I said."


My submission isn't about the rituals or the spankings. It's just about doing things that make him happy. Because that is what makes me most content. 

And now, I should probably get to those dishes. 

I don't know...

"I don't know" those three words seem to be Sir's motto these last couple of months.

"So you seemed like you had a lot going on, and I didn't want to bring it up, but we talked about doing spankings three times a week and it happened once after that... What is...?"

"I don't know" sigh

"Oh, ok..." Silence.

At what point do I just say I'm done? It's been months since I last read someone else's blog, because it's been too painful, too much wishful thinking. Hell, it's been months since I've logged onto the actual blogger website. I've just been blogging from my phone so I wouldn't have to look at other people's blogs talking about their journey. I'm so tired of having a husband who seems like he can find time or energy for everything but our D/s. I'm tired of feeling resentful of our son because of the attention he is given. I'm tired of having a Sir who goes through the motions, who I have such a desire to serve, but appears to neither wants nor desires my submission.

I've been what we'll call "miss sassy pants" lately, and a large part of it is because I'm so damn tired of fucking around with a man who's answer 95% of the time is "I don't know". How the hell can you not know for that much???

If he wants to finish our D/s relationship then ok, I just need to know. And if he does, it will hurt, a lot. Because he knew coming into marriage that I strive and desire submission.