Family, and the importance of respect pt. 2

Life's interruptions have been dealt with, back to the issue of respect.

After pondering the previous situation a bit more, with my brother's lack of respect and my struggling with why it bothered me so much I've come to notice some things about myself. If I don't think that you're being respectful to me, then I won't be as respectful to you as I should be. This is a problem, not just in this particular circumstance but in life as a whole. My mentality shouldn't be an eye for an eye, but rather turn the other cheek. And my attitude should not be determined by how I'm treated. I realize that this a pretty basic life lesson, and it's one that I've heard before but sometimes it takes a circumstance like dealing with family to bring things into focus (or just act as a gentle life reminder).

This idea of not letting others determine my attitude or level of effort is one that is so closely related to how I treat Sir. There have been times in the past when he's not been following through with things he told me that he would do, or not acting as dominate as I would have liked and I've come off bitchy and mouthy. Regardless of whether or not he was doing/being what I wanted him to do/be doesn't mean that I should stop being submissive to him. It's my job to submit to him, this is on me, not on him. Yes, do I prefer it when he is more dominate, absolutely, does it make submitting to him far easier when I have a dominate leader, yes, but should I let things that I perceive to be issues stand in the way of respecting and submitting to him? No. (Unless of course it was a serious issue, then absolutely.) The same thing goes for my family of course, except of course for the submitting. It's on me to show them respect, and not on them. And shame on me for forgetting that, not matter how annoying they might be.

On an unrelated note, Sir has figured out how to make our D/S work over long distances!!! It makes this pet quite happy. As does the fact that I'm pretty sure I'm headed home on Sunday! Only a couple more days with family before we begin the trek homeward.

Family, and the importance of respect pt.1

Visiting my family always has it's ups and downs. The upsides include seeing people that I only get to see only a handful of times each year, catching up, spending quality time with my little sister, not needing to cook, etc. The downsides include dealing with my brother's existential woes and/or latest revelations.
I love my brother, he is one of those men who would give you the shirt off of his back without a second's hesitation. However, that shirt might come with a debate on whether or not him giving you the shirt was going to assist you in your participation of the project that is life. He and I attended the same undergraduate school, majored in the same program, and took all of the same classes. (It is a very small school that only offers one program). But where I took the "project" of the school, namely to experience this thing called life while trying to figure out what is truth, and ran with it, converting in my sophomore year to Greek Orthodoxy and continuing my pursuit of truth and knowledge through a gentle challenging of my belief system; he has taken on the project in a different manner. He believes he needs to be constantly challenging the deck of cards that was dealt to him in a very confrontational manner in order to grow. And in doing so, he wants to and needs to challenge those around him in a similar manner. I applaud him in doing this. I think that with where he is at in life this is exactly what he should be doing. I just don't appreciate the manner in which he is going about doing it.
Sometime during my sophomore year I started to put up barriers. I had some good (or perhaps just reactionary) reasons for doing so. Slowly but surely with the gentle support and encouragement of my husband those barriers are starting to come down. But it's not been an easy dismantling project. Unfortunately those barriers have affected my brother and my relationship in a negative way. Where he wants to engage with me on issues that he's been struggling with in his generally confrontational way, I've just wanted to avoid confrontation and disagreements altogether. Our way of doing things has finally come to a head on this visit after he started trying to "assist" me in my growth process. Essentially he was an ass who decided that critiquing my parenting style and pointing out that I'm an insecure nervous new mother was a good decision. I am an insecure nervous new mother, hands down I'm the first person to admit that. I've never done this before. Do I need him to point out my insecurities with the air of one just trying to make me feel ridiculous (as was his later stated goal), absolutely not. Especially not in front of little bug.
I couldn't figure out why it bothered me so much, aside from the obvious, he was just being rude, reason. It was only later that I realized why. He totally disrespected me in front of my child. While little bug is in no way consciously aware of what is being said around him he definitely picks up on tone. If Sir and I argue we try not to do it in front of him and we try to always be respectful to each other, especially around him. Part of this stems from our D/s contract, I am at all times to maintain an air of respect towards Sir (which I'm constantly failing at and working on), but it primarily stems from the fact that we love each other deeply and care about each other. This respect is essential to our relationship, and to the relationships with my friends and family.
We pause this post for a life interruption. More on this thought later.

Missing home

I've been away from home now for almost a week, and we just found out that I might be here until next Tuesday. As much as I've been enjoying seeing my family and catching up with some friends that I don't get to see often, I'm still missing the comfort of my home and Sir.
But there is a certain level of tension between my desire to return to Sir and my desire to stay in an area that I love. We are not happy where we are living, but we've committed to staying put for the next two years. This decision has been called into question these last couple of months, but for now we are staying. It's been challenging being apart from him for a week. He misses both of us, and I hate little bug being away from papa for so long. He's growing so quickly and I would hate for papa to miss something major. I try to make sure to send him a picture of little bug every day as it makes the distance seem not so great.
Sir's been trying to step up and maintain a level of control while I've been away which has helping tremendously, it's still a challenge, but it's something that we are working on. He sent me an incredibly erotic series of texts yesterday and allowed me to cum twice in two days which NEVER happens. (I feel like that accomplished more than he realized. My stress levels are normally elevated while I'm visiting family and having an orgasm helps so much. And having him ok an orgasm just helps to keep my submission/bitchiness in check). All in all, we are doing well considering the distance and the extended trip. But I can't wait to be back in his arms and kneeling at his feet.


On an unrelated note- My sister and I hosted a party this weekend to celebrate our mum's birthday and I made the most amazing bison bacon burgers. I used a recipe from my favourite paleo cookbook, Make it Paleo, omitted the onion powder (just because we didn't have it on hand), and everyone loved it. The recipe can be found here.

On the road

Made it to my family's home in one piece. Despite the flights being ridiculously long little bug was a total champ and fussed very slightly. I actually had several people tell me that they had no idea that there was a baby on board until they saw me standing up with him. My family was thrilled to see me and have taken turns taking care of him so that I could have a bit of a break. We've had a good time thus far, and I'm hoping that this continues into the weekend. My visit was just extended by two days though because of the some different work schedules that we are trying to work around. This means I'll be gone for a total of 11 or 12 days. I've yet to be away from Sir for the long since we got married, and little bug certainly hasn't been away from papa. Little bit nervous about how everything is going to play out. I struggle with being with my family for longer than a week, especially now that work and family are so intertwined for me.
On a happier note last night Sir and I talked about finding a way to make our D/s dynamic work long distance, he seems confident that there is a way to make it work out!! I'm so glad he's feeling that way, I think it will make the distance seem just a bit less. This trip isn't the only time I'll be going out of town this fall either with little bug or by myself so I'm definitely looking forward to finding out what he has in mind.

The importance of rituals

Rituals are the cornerstone of our lives, in our D/s relationship and our life as a whole. They are what govern our days, months, and seasons. Our faith is composed of many rituals; we adhere to a daily prayer rule, we fast on certain days throughout the year, we cross ourselves upon entering the church, etc.. As with our faith, our lives are likewise composed. When Sir gets home from work I kneel and take his shoes off for him. When I run errands or go the gym I text/call him when I get there and when I leave. In the mornings I ask him which pair of panties he wants me to wear that day, and the list goes on. These rituals are not major events in my day, they take maybe three minutes to complete each one, but they are what keep my submission to him going throughout the day. But there is always a sense of wanting more; more rituals to keep my focus on him and more ways for me to serve him.

Unfortunately, we will be without these rituals for these next nine days as tomorrow I'll be taking our little one and going to visit family. As much as I love my family, and they adore our little one, nothing stresses me out more than a visit home. Because of Sir's work schedule he isn't able to come with us, and so I'm making the trip home (and little one's first flight) by myself. Nervous as hell, and trying to not let myself get too stressed. It's times like these that make me need our rituals more than ever. When I gave myself to Sir and let go of the control I was grasping with an iron clad fist life became so much easier. Traveling alone forces me into a position where I'm the sole decision maker, and I can't rely on his lead or comfort. Moreover, visiting family almost always brings out the bitch in me, which does nobody any good, and is best cured by Sir either taking control back from me or simply giving me something to focus on my energies on, which won't be possible for the next 9 days. I'm hoping beyond hope that this visit goes smoothly, for everyone's sake. And I'm already counting the days when I will be back home.

Speaking of coming home, we will be looking at the contract when I return. I'm hoping for more structure and dominance, but we'll see what happens.

Three months

Sir and I are approaching our three month check up on the contract that we signed this spring. When we signed it, it was under the understanding that we would be checking up one month post, three months post, and then one year post signing. This way neither of us would be stuck in a contract when we wanted out. As we approach the three month check up I'm getting a bit nervous though. We've had quite the last couple of months, we've made several life changing decisions, we've had one very large life changing event happen (the birth of our first child),  and we are just now starting to come out a very difficult place. Not only that, but the day marking three months will be while I'm out of town visiting family so we won't even be able to discuss this properly until I return.

I'm not sure how he is feeling about our relationship at this point. And that scares me.

Long ago I realized that at heart I'm a sub. In my public life I am dominate because I need to be. But when I let down my guard, nothing makes me happier than following the lead of my Sir and submitting to him. However, my Sir and husband seems to struggle with this. I keep wanting more dominance, more service, more kneeling at his feet. And instead I find myself floundering in a wave of his uncertainty. To be fair to him, we have both been so busy with the birth of our little one, and the summer we've been going through; our D/s relationship, outside of our basic rituals, is often pushed to the side simply because we are too busy trying to figure out where we are going in life and who's turn it is to feed little bug. But at the end of the day, I still wonder if he wants my submission as much as I desire and need his dominance.

I guess we shall see.