Why

Why I do the things I do:

Why do I smoke?

Because I enjoy the almost erotic caress of the smoke on my month and tongue. The heady dizziness that comes with that first inhalation, the feeling of warmth on my fingertips on cold mornings ~ that moment of calm that comes with the smell of the elegantly cut cigarette. 

Why do I allow myself that occasional orgasm?

Because there is a rush of power that comes with the frantic orgasm - the knowledge that I am in control of my pleasure, the feel of the hot moisture between my legs, my clit burning with an almost unquenchable need. The warmth of the afternoon sunlight on my naked body, sweaty from desire, the elusive thoughts that swim into focus, bringing with them an almost unnatural desire for power, admiration, and at the same time total submission.

Why do I push my body past the point of endurance?

Because pain is thrilling, an aphrodisiac. It clears my head, leaving only what is important behind. there is a sort of reckless abandon when my body protest from every fiber, but I push on. Ignoring the pain, as though it is a weakness to overcome. Because it is, pain is meant to be savoured, embraced, felt throughout every particle, and then rejected; tossed aside like a weak lover. 

Why do I give myself to my husband, calling him my Sir?

Because the world feels better knowing that he is trying to lead me. Because when I am at his feet I can turn my brain off, simply feeling, being. Because my soul is happiest when his hand is on my head, letting me know that I am loved, cherished and protected. Because he is a man who is called to great things. 

Why I don't want to be a presvytera.

Because I want more out of life than to have it dictated by the church. Because while i love the church, and am a (mostly) eager participant in the fasts and feasts, confession, prayers and liturgy, I also love the freedom we have to move where we want, to sleep in on Sundays and play hooky, to travel wherever and whenever we please. And I love my husband, the man with an enormous heart, a man who could loose himself in a parish. And I could not stand it, not would our marriage survive if he let the church become "the other woman". I am a jealous woman, and married because I love my husband. I don't share well, with anyone. Our lives would be dictated, bound by what the Bishop thought best, living where we were called to go. I drink, I smoke, I swear, I'm sassy at my best, and a bitch at my worst and I love ink. I am, in many ways, a parish's worst nightmare. Furthermore, I want the freedom that comes from living outside of the clergy. 

However... if this is what he truly wants, what he is called to do, then I will take on the title Pres. And I will be a pres who drinks, smokes, and swears like a sailor on leave complete with the ink. And I will take my place next to my husband, and take the blind leap of faith into the unknown world of service to the church.