Post birthday sex

Sir's planned birthday sex didn't go quite as planned last night. Didn't really go at all actually. Apparently walking 3 miles in cooler temps doesn't do good things for my lingering cold. Who would have thought! (It did seem like a really good idea at the time and I thought I was mostly better.) We got home last night after our walk and errand running and pretty much collapsed on the couch. We were all exhausted, from little bug to Sir. So, after dinner of awesome Trader Joes gluten free pizza, fries, hard cider and a cupcake (it was his birthday after all) we called it a night; planning on having sex today. 

Post birthday sex rocked. We finally had a chance to use our bed (little bug sleeps in our room and often in our bed) during nap time! Somehow being on the bed and not on the floor makes sex so much better. And the beloved crop came out :-D oh the crop, I could sing its praises. He likes to use it on my lady bits which feel amazing, so sharp and stingy yet warm all at the same time. Aside from that our time together was so nice. Nothing too crazy, just two people in love wanting to be close. Ok, there might have been some throat grabbing and choking, but that's considered normal... Right? ;-). The only thing that didn't happen was the birthday head, because in order to give head I have to be able to breath more than I am right now. But, that just means I'll have to make up for it later! After I'm better of course, I thought I would be brilliant and go for another walk today and now I'm on the couch for the rest of the evening. Hopefully I've learned my lesson this time!!

Coconut oil and other life bits

Ah coconut oil, the gift of the gods and what gets me through the day... Oh wait, that's coffee. Any hoo, aside from coffee coconut oil is my most used and cherished household product. I realized this morning in the shower that I might be addicted to the stuff, and so decided to share with all of you what I do with it. Because I can, and because that's how much I love the stuff. 

1. Cooking (thought I would start with the obvious). 

2. Protecting cutting boards, seasoning cast iron pans, and sealing my wooden cooking spoons. (Great as an antifungal/anti bacterial product)

3. Hair serum, works great for controlling the humidity disturbed hair. 

4. Hair growth aid. Post pregnancy hair sucks. About two months post birth it felt like all of my beautiful locks had decided that they had had enough and were fleeing in droves. Thought I was going bald. Apparently this wasn't the case according to my father-in-law/hair stylist. But still, the coconut oil is helping with the regrowth process. 

5. Hair conditioner, massage it through your hair warm, leave it in for 30+ minutes then wash it out. Leaves your hair looking super shiny and healthy!! 

6. Great as lotion and moisturiser. 

7. Good in place of soap in the shower. I rub it like I would soap then use a rough cloth and scrub it off. I'm all about the being squeaky clean and exfoliate like there is no tomorrow (seriously, just ask my Sir. I don't use a washcloth in the shower, I use something that looks like it wants to be sandpaper) and I was sort of horrified by the amount of grime that came off the first time I used it. 

8. Makes excellent shaving cream, leaves your skin feeling super soft and supple. Also, I've never gotten a closer shave on my lady bits and underarms than I do with it. And it means that I can go longer without shaving! Having a 4 month old, and being required to keep a smooth pussy means that I look for every way possible to stretch out shaving days. Who has time for it?? 

9. Oil pulling!! Great for the mouth, teeth, gums, breath. All in all amazing to do:-) also, helps build up the sucking abilities needed for adult fun :-D

10. Makeup primer, more gentle on my skin than anything I've found out there. Also doesn't leave my skin burning, which I understand is a good thing!

11. Good for digestion, I try to eat a tableapoon a day. Makes my body happier. I also give some to little bug via breastfeeding. 

12. Really good for cradle cap for little bug. 

13. Makes little bug's skin happier as well:-) 

14. Makes amazing lube. I'm really sensitive to most commercial lubes and had to switch to something that didn't leave my lady bits on fire and coconut oil saved the day!! Because nothing says come hither like feeling like somebody just shoved some fire ants up there. Really puts a damper on the mood. Coconut oil also leaves us feeling far less sticky because it's absorbed for the most part into our skin. 

15. Great for polishing up my favourite leather crop, leaving it feeling quite supple. 

16. Good for polishing leather things in general. I've polished Sir's shoes with it to a brilliant shine.

17. And furniture, good for polishing furniture. Non toxic, light smell, doesn't tend to leave oil stains. 

18. Good appetite suppressor, one tableapoon before meals:-)

19. Helps to eliminate stretch marks!

 

20. And last but not least, it's supposed to be good for diaper cream I just found out. Haven't used it yet, but I certainly plan on it. 

There you folks have it, my favourite things to do with the all beloved coconut oil. Looking back at the list I'm realizing why I go through so much of it so quickly. It might be time to start investing in it in bulk. The stuff is like liquid gold. 

On to the other bits part. It's Sir's birthday today!! We are holding off doing anything to celebrate until next week when I can get a sitter, but there will be birthday sex and head tonight, that's for sure:-) And we've reached another milestone in little bug's lifestyle, his four month growth spurt. Couldn't figure out why he seemed so crabby these last couple of days and just wanting to eat. It's all clear to us now. I brought him to Sir this morning and one of the first things he said was "did he get bigger overnight?"  Sigh, he's growing up so quickly:-( Well, that's enough of the bits. It's time for some afternoon tea  

A whole month off and PTSD

As always it's been a busy last couple of days. My in-laws left first thing Saturday morning (!!), Sir and I celebrated my birthday Saturday with a walk around our local pond and a trip with little bug to the local ice cream shop, we decided to be heathens and skip out on church Sunday and instead went for a gloriously long walk that ended with pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks, and we concluded the weekend with a friend's birthday party. All in all quite the enjoyable weekend (perhaps too enjoyable as we both woke up with hangovers this morning...).

My favourite season has officially arrived and the foliage is starting to change colours!! We have beautifully vibrant oranges, yellows and reds decorating some of the trees and I can't wait to watch the colours move up the hill towards our apartment. This year the arrival of fall is bringing something in addition to beautiful leaves and cooler weather. As a joint birthday present to Sir and I, my employers have given me a month fully paid leave starting today. This time is to be spent getting myself healthy, figuring out what I want out of the business and taking time with little bug and Sir. As part of getting healthy I've started seeing a therapist on a weekly basis and Sir and I are in twice a month couples sessions. I think this will all be good for me, and I'm looking forward to feeling more like myself again and Sir and I working on some of our issues together.

My therapist came to an interesting conclusion last week, namely that she believes that while being highly functioning, I'm suffering from PTSD. This thought honestly had never occurred to me. To me PTSD was a problem confined to those who suffered some severe trauma, such as soldiers or war victims; or really anyone other than me. I can't suffer from it. I have my shit pulled together, I've processed what happened to me three years ago. Just because I've been having flashbacks, panic attacks when I see someone who looks like him, an intense fear of letting people in... that doesn't mean I'm suffering from PTSD, right....? Or does it. But I've forgiven him. I still in many ways love him. I couldn't hold onto my anger towards him because it was eating me up, and sapping me of what little energy I had. So I had to let go. That means I've processed it right? I can't still be affected by something that happened over three years ago, can I? Apparently I was wrong. I can and am still affected by it, this one event that lasted no longer than 15 minutes in a room that I had to walk by on a daily basis for two years after the fact.

As part of processing everything I'm supposed to write to him daily. One of those letters has been posted and more might follow. I hope that I find answers and health in my month off. Or at least have a chance to catch up on all of my knitting projects :-)

To Levi

I dreamt about you last night. I supposed it was only natural given the amount of thinking that I had done about you yesterday. But it did come as a bit of a shock. You were different, kinder, sweeter, only wanting to see me. I searched for you, wanting to be with you. There was no thought of the rape in my dream. Only a poignant searching of two people. It reminded me of how I used to feel about you. Unable to stay away, simply wanting to be with you, despite the underlying subconscious feeling of dread that came with your presence.  We were so innocent in my dream, there was no evil lurking in your eyes, but I never really could see it after the rape. People kept telling me that you were and are evil. But I refused to believe them. Even after finding out that you had planned everything, it was not evil that I saw, more a desperate search for intimacy and physical pleasure. Should my thoughts paint you as a monster? Because I seem unable to portray you that way. Is it sheer naivete on my part, to not recognize the potential for evil in you?

Oh snap, he meant it. And I didn't like it.

Things have been going well-ish this week, with both of us just trying to get everything done that we need to get done in general, like work and school and so forth, plus making sure that we are spending time with his family. It's been a definite challenge and is thus far involving late nights spent on homework for him and me catching up on my work. Thank goodness for our friendly coffee pot!

Things did come to a bit of a brutal standstill Monday night after we got home from spending the evening out. Tempers were high all around, little bug was way too tired, and we were both tipsy. Never a good combination. After putting little bug down we snuggled on the couch for a bit with some hard cider, just rehashing the evening.

I'd been in a bit of a mood that day dealing with a work project plus just the stress of his family and I hadn't handled it super well, snapping at him and talking down to him. He thought it would be a grand idea to inform his mum that I was in a mood.

My only thought: well duh, and guess what, cranky just decided to come out of her closet and join her best friends bitchy and snarky. After he said that he pretty much gave me my space (or avoided me, it was hard to tell) for the rest of the evening when we were all together. So by time we got home we were both just pretty mad.

Snuggling on the couch did seem to help both of us until the conversation turned to my attitude which then lead to more serious conversations. At one point he told me that he didn't think that he was the man that I needed right now and my heart sank like an high speed elevator.

Do you want my collar back?

No, I just wanted you to know what I was thinking.

Oh, alrighty then...

We kind of left the conversation at that, turning to different topics but in my head I was freaking out. What was going on, was this the end? Were we calling it quits?? Ahhhhh. All of this was still happening until we decided it was time to head to bed and instead of our bedroom he directed me downstairs to the basement for my maintenance spanking. I was a bit confused about this, given what he had told me but did as directed and assumed the position. Nothing but the panties on, bent over holding on to a metal pole in the center of the room. The cropping hurt like hell that night, but was exactly what I needed. Feeling the pain wash over me, working it's way through my system pushing out all of my thoughts and just letting my emotions go. When it was done he held me to him while stroking my hair, not saying anything just letting me catch my breath. And then we went and snuggled in bed, his arms wrapped around me, my head on his chest.

Nothing more was said about that conversation and I decided that if he wanted to end things he would tell me. Yesterday was better, I had a very lengthy conversation with m'mum about how things were going about our marriage thus far (ok it was much more of a me sobbing on the phone to her, and her listening patiently and commenting when needed). Despite not knowing the specifics of our relationship, namely the D/s side of things, she's seen him call me out numerous occasions. Telling me to knock it off when needed. And she reminded me of this after I told her that I was starting to pick fights just because I was in a bad mood. Wise mother that she is she suggested I needed to go work out, and when I had something critical to say that wasn't necessary I should just kiss him or keep my mouth shut. This conversation helped tremendously. I felt hopeful about everything again, and especially about him.

Last night was an unexpectedly family free evening (thank the good Lord) and we had a good time cooking together and talking about this and that. I was being a bit sassy and not thinking a lot about it until he apparently had had enough. Grabbing me and pushing me down against the counter with my face practically in the sink, he proceeded to spank me, hard, asking me if I was done. This caught me completely off guard. He was serious about it. And it pissed me off. So I said no, and stamped on his foot. Not the smartest move on my part. He proceeded to spank me even harder, holding me down and not letting me get away until I said that I was done. We went back to cooking and didn't say anything about the incident, just acted like it didn't happen for the rest of the evening. But I reined in my sassy self and was more careful about how I spoke to him.

But my mind was in all sorts of uproar.

How dare he spank me, I didn't do anything to deserve it, I was just being my sassy fabulous self. 
Bastard. This TOTALLY wasn't what I had agreed upon. 

And then I realized that it was. But this was the first time that he had made a move without my asking him to do so. And it was deserved, and it wasn't my choice when he punished me. It was his. Holy hell it was a turning point. He really is in control, this isn't just something that we dabble in. It's real, and I'm getting exactly what I asked for.

I think shit's just gotten real.

Being thankful

Because several of my last posts have been rather dramatic and not in a positive way I thought that I should probably balance them with a post full of thanks. And in honour of my 24th birthday which is this week here are 24 things I have to be thankful for.

Family

1. I have an incredible husband who both puts up with my melodramatics and who supports me in all that I do. He's also pretty damn handsome to boot.
2. Little bug, the most amazing little person I've ever met. Entirely happy, healthy and fucking adorable.
3. My family, while not always understanding the decisions I make, are always in my corner.
4. His family, who have welcomed me with open arms, proclaiming me to be the daughter that they never had but always wanted.

Sir

1. Might not always understand what it is that I'm craving but is always willing to work towards it with me.
2. Is really good at acting as the voice of reason and caution for me when I need it.
3. Calms my fears, even the irrational ones.
4. Loves me unconditionally and wants what is best for me. 

Parish life

1. We are blessed with an amazing parish and priest who have welcomed us with joy and gladness.
2. Both Sir and I have wise and thoughtful godparents who would give us the shirts off of our backs if we ever needed them. 
3. Likewise little bug is blessed with a wonderful godfather who will help instruct him in the ways of the church and life. 
4. I have a godsister who I love like she is blood, and who I can call anytime of day. 

Work

1. I am able to work from home, half time with a schedule that I set.
2. I'm establishing myself in the industry and within the business. 
3. My employers are generous kind people.
4. I have a job that I may not be head over heels in love with, but is a good dependable position that I make work for myself. 

Misc

1. Our community and our neighbors who keep Sir and I sane in this particular stage of our life. 
2. Good friends both here and in our hometown who are always up for spending an afternoon or evening in our favourite pub. 
3. My family is all in excellent health. And my gluten allergy is totally under control.
4. Coffee, because this mama runs off of the magical drink.
5. Harry Potter, because well it helped keep me sane when everything around me seemed like it was falling apart. And because lets face it, it's pretty much the most amazing book series out there.
6. Dark chocolate, again, because I run off of the stuff. 
7. This blog, as it gives me a place to talk with other like minded individuals without the fear of judgement or rejection.
8. The rich and unexpected blessings we've been given and the many opportunities that are presenting themselves. 

Have a wonderful and richly blessed day everyone!

Visiting family

Sir's family is in town this week. Visits from them always stress me out for various reasons, but the primary one is that I'm simply still uncomfortable with my mil. She disapproves of several of our life choices, and of what Sir is looking at doing post graduation. And more seriously she disapproved of Sir and I having little bug (she is now head over heels in love with him, thank God) but it left a bad taste in my mouth. They are staying in a hotel several miles away though and we are only spending afternoons and evenings with them because Sir and I are both working and he has classes so the visit shouldn't be nearly as stressful as the last one.

She is also a very dominate person and is in many ways the lead in her and my fil's marriage which makes me a bit uncomfortable. I'm ok with her being dominate, I can totally be an alpha female when I need to be and am working on establishing some boundaries, but when she starts bossing Sir and my fil around it makes me really upset. Sir isn't one to rock the boat unless he has too, and rarely will he say anything negative to his mum, so I'm left feeling irritated at a man who I know could easily stand up for himself but is refusing to do so. All very frustrating for the both of us.

With the added stress of the family visit I tend to revert back to my previous more dominate ways in an effort to keep my own stress levels down and I'm really working this visit on not doing that. His family operates in a totally different way from my family and while I struggle with that I'm working on just going with the flow rather than having a "5 point plan" for the day. I'm also working on just letting him take the lead and instead am focusing on making sure that little bug is taken care of and just trying to enjoy the visit. He'll make sure that things happen how they need to happen. (Ok, I am coordinating with his mum tomorrow regarding our afternoon plans, but that is simply because Sir is in class for most of the day and can't do it as easily as I can). In some ways the timing of this visit, given what transpired last week, is a really good thing because it's forcing me to step back and take stock in my own behaviour in light of everything.

We've added daily maintenance spankings to the equation and I'm hoping those help keep my head in the right place. We shall see!