Post birthday sex

Sir's planned birthday sex didn't go quite as planned last night. Didn't really go at all actually. Apparently walking 3 miles in cooler temps doesn't do good things for my lingering cold. Who would have thought! (It did seem like a really good idea at the time and I thought I was mostly better.) We got home last night after our walk and errand running and pretty much collapsed on the couch. We were all exhausted, from little bug to Sir. So, after dinner of awesome Trader Joes gluten free pizza, fries, hard cider and a cupcake (it was his birthday after all) we called it a night; planning on having sex today. 

Post birthday sex rocked. We finally had a chance to use our bed (little bug sleeps in our room and often in our bed) during nap time! Somehow being on the bed and not on the floor makes sex so much better. And the beloved crop came out :-D oh the crop, I could sing its praises. He likes to use it on my lady bits which feel amazing, so sharp and stingy yet warm all at the same time. Aside from that our time together was so nice. Nothing too crazy, just two people in love wanting to be close. Ok, there might have been some throat grabbing and choking, but that's considered normal... Right? ;-). The only thing that didn't happen was the birthday head, because in order to give head I have to be able to breath more than I am right now. But, that just means I'll have to make up for it later! After I'm better of course, I thought I would be brilliant and go for another walk today and now I'm on the couch for the rest of the evening. Hopefully I've learned my lesson this time!!

Coconut oil and other life bits

Ah coconut oil, the gift of the gods and what gets me through the day... Oh wait, that's coffee. Any hoo, aside from coffee coconut oil is my most used and cherished household product. I realized this morning in the shower that I might be addicted to the stuff, and so decided to share with all of you what I do with it. Because I can, and because that's how much I love the stuff. 

1. Cooking (thought I would start with the obvious). 

2. Protecting cutting boards, seasoning cast iron pans, and sealing my wooden cooking spoons. (Great as an antifungal/anti bacterial product)

3. Hair serum, works great for controlling the humidity disturbed hair. 

4. Hair growth aid. Post pregnancy hair sucks. About two months post birth it felt like all of my beautiful locks had decided that they had had enough and were fleeing in droves. Thought I was going bald. Apparently this wasn't the case according to my father-in-law/hair stylist. But still, the coconut oil is helping with the regrowth process. 

5. Hair conditioner, massage it through your hair warm, leave it in for 30+ minutes then wash it out. Leaves your hair looking super shiny and healthy!! 

6. Great as lotion and moisturiser. 

7. Good in place of soap in the shower. I rub it like I would soap then use a rough cloth and scrub it off. I'm all about the being squeaky clean and exfoliate like there is no tomorrow (seriously, just ask my Sir. I don't use a washcloth in the shower, I use something that looks like it wants to be sandpaper) and I was sort of horrified by the amount of grime that came off the first time I used it. 

8. Makes excellent shaving cream, leaves your skin feeling super soft and supple. Also, I've never gotten a closer shave on my lady bits and underarms than I do with it. And it means that I can go longer without shaving! Having a 4 month old, and being required to keep a smooth pussy means that I look for every way possible to stretch out shaving days. Who has time for it?? 

9. Oil pulling!! Great for the mouth, teeth, gums, breath. All in all amazing to do:-) also, helps build up the sucking abilities needed for adult fun :-D

10. Makeup primer, more gentle on my skin than anything I've found out there. Also doesn't leave my skin burning, which I understand is a good thing!

11. Good for digestion, I try to eat a tableapoon a day. Makes my body happier. I also give some to little bug via breastfeeding. 

12. Really good for cradle cap for little bug. 

13. Makes little bug's skin happier as well:-) 

14. Makes amazing lube. I'm really sensitive to most commercial lubes and had to switch to something that didn't leave my lady bits on fire and coconut oil saved the day!! Because nothing says come hither like feeling like somebody just shoved some fire ants up there. Really puts a damper on the mood. Coconut oil also leaves us feeling far less sticky because it's absorbed for the most part into our skin. 

15. Great for polishing up my favourite leather crop, leaving it feeling quite supple. 

16. Good for polishing leather things in general. I've polished Sir's shoes with it to a brilliant shine.

17. And furniture, good for polishing furniture. Non toxic, light smell, doesn't tend to leave oil stains. 

18. Good appetite suppressor, one tableapoon before meals:-)

19. Helps to eliminate stretch marks!

 

20. And last but not least, it's supposed to be good for diaper cream I just found out. Haven't used it yet, but I certainly plan on it. 

There you folks have it, my favourite things to do with the all beloved coconut oil. Looking back at the list I'm realizing why I go through so much of it so quickly. It might be time to start investing in it in bulk. The stuff is like liquid gold. 

On to the other bits part. It's Sir's birthday today!! We are holding off doing anything to celebrate until next week when I can get a sitter, but there will be birthday sex and head tonight, that's for sure:-) And we've reached another milestone in little bug's lifestyle, his four month growth spurt. Couldn't figure out why he seemed so crabby these last couple of days and just wanting to eat. It's all clear to us now. I brought him to Sir this morning and one of the first things he said was "did he get bigger overnight?"  Sigh, he's growing up so quickly:-( Well, that's enough of the bits. It's time for some afternoon tea  

A whole month off and PTSD

As always it's been a busy last couple of days. My in-laws left first thing Saturday morning (!!), Sir and I celebrated my birthday Saturday with a walk around our local pond and a trip with little bug to the local ice cream shop, we decided to be heathens and skip out on church Sunday and instead went for a gloriously long walk that ended with pumpkin spice lattes from Starbucks, and we concluded the weekend with a friend's birthday party. All in all quite the enjoyable weekend (perhaps too enjoyable as we both woke up with hangovers this morning...).

My favourite season has officially arrived and the foliage is starting to change colours!! We have beautifully vibrant oranges, yellows and reds decorating some of the trees and I can't wait to watch the colours move up the hill towards our apartment. This year the arrival of fall is bringing something in addition to beautiful leaves and cooler weather. As a joint birthday present to Sir and I, my employers have given me a month fully paid leave starting today. This time is to be spent getting myself healthy, figuring out what I want out of the business and taking time with little bug and Sir. As part of getting healthy I've started seeing a therapist on a weekly basis and Sir and I are in twice a month couples sessions. I think this will all be good for me, and I'm looking forward to feeling more like myself again and Sir and I working on some of our issues together.

My therapist came to an interesting conclusion last week, namely that she believes that while being highly functioning, I'm suffering from PTSD. This thought honestly had never occurred to me. To me PTSD was a problem confined to those who suffered some severe trauma, such as soldiers or war victims; or really anyone other than me. I can't suffer from it. I have my shit pulled together, I've processed what happened to me three years ago. Just because I've been having flashbacks, panic attacks when I see someone who looks like him, an intense fear of letting people in... that doesn't mean I'm suffering from PTSD, right....? Or does it. But I've forgiven him. I still in many ways love him. I couldn't hold onto my anger towards him because it was eating me up, and sapping me of what little energy I had. So I had to let go. That means I've processed it right? I can't still be affected by something that happened over three years ago, can I? Apparently I was wrong. I can and am still affected by it, this one event that lasted no longer than 15 minutes in a room that I had to walk by on a daily basis for two years after the fact.

As part of processing everything I'm supposed to write to him daily. One of those letters has been posted and more might follow. I hope that I find answers and health in my month off. Or at least have a chance to catch up on all of my knitting projects :-)

To Levi

I dreamt about you last night. I supposed it was only natural given the amount of thinking that I had done about you yesterday. But it did come as a bit of a shock. You were different, kinder, sweeter, only wanting to see me. I searched for you, wanting to be with you. There was no thought of the rape in my dream. Only a poignant searching of two people. It reminded me of how I used to feel about you. Unable to stay away, simply wanting to be with you, despite the underlying subconscious feeling of dread that came with your presence.  We were so innocent in my dream, there was no evil lurking in your eyes, but I never really could see it after the rape. People kept telling me that you were and are evil. But I refused to believe them. Even after finding out that you had planned everything, it was not evil that I saw, more a desperate search for intimacy and physical pleasure. Should my thoughts paint you as a monster? Because I seem unable to portray you that way. Is it sheer naivete on my part, to not recognize the potential for evil in you?

Oh snap, he meant it. And I didn't like it.

Things have been going well-ish this week, with both of us just trying to get everything done that we need to get done in general, like work and school and so forth, plus making sure that we are spending time with his family. It's been a definite challenge and is thus far involving late nights spent on homework for him and me catching up on my work. Thank goodness for our friendly coffee pot!

Things did come to a bit of a brutal standstill Monday night after we got home from spending the evening out. Tempers were high all around, little bug was way too tired, and we were both tipsy. Never a good combination. After putting little bug down we snuggled on the couch for a bit with some hard cider, just rehashing the evening.

I'd been in a bit of a mood that day dealing with a work project plus just the stress of his family and I hadn't handled it super well, snapping at him and talking down to him. He thought it would be a grand idea to inform his mum that I was in a mood.

My only thought: well duh, and guess what, cranky just decided to come out of her closet and join her best friends bitchy and snarky. After he said that he pretty much gave me my space (or avoided me, it was hard to tell) for the rest of the evening when we were all together. So by time we got home we were both just pretty mad.

Snuggling on the couch did seem to help both of us until the conversation turned to my attitude which then lead to more serious conversations. At one point he told me that he didn't think that he was the man that I needed right now and my heart sank like an high speed elevator.

Do you want my collar back?

No, I just wanted you to know what I was thinking.

Oh, alrighty then...

We kind of left the conversation at that, turning to different topics but in my head I was freaking out. What was going on, was this the end? Were we calling it quits?? Ahhhhh. All of this was still happening until we decided it was time to head to bed and instead of our bedroom he directed me downstairs to the basement for my maintenance spanking. I was a bit confused about this, given what he had told me but did as directed and assumed the position. Nothing but the panties on, bent over holding on to a metal pole in the center of the room. The cropping hurt like hell that night, but was exactly what I needed. Feeling the pain wash over me, working it's way through my system pushing out all of my thoughts and just letting my emotions go. When it was done he held me to him while stroking my hair, not saying anything just letting me catch my breath. And then we went and snuggled in bed, his arms wrapped around me, my head on his chest.

Nothing more was said about that conversation and I decided that if he wanted to end things he would tell me. Yesterday was better, I had a very lengthy conversation with m'mum about how things were going about our marriage thus far (ok it was much more of a me sobbing on the phone to her, and her listening patiently and commenting when needed). Despite not knowing the specifics of our relationship, namely the D/s side of things, she's seen him call me out numerous occasions. Telling me to knock it off when needed. And she reminded me of this after I told her that I was starting to pick fights just because I was in a bad mood. Wise mother that she is she suggested I needed to go work out, and when I had something critical to say that wasn't necessary I should just kiss him or keep my mouth shut. This conversation helped tremendously. I felt hopeful about everything again, and especially about him.

Last night was an unexpectedly family free evening (thank the good Lord) and we had a good time cooking together and talking about this and that. I was being a bit sassy and not thinking a lot about it until he apparently had had enough. Grabbing me and pushing me down against the counter with my face practically in the sink, he proceeded to spank me, hard, asking me if I was done. This caught me completely off guard. He was serious about it. And it pissed me off. So I said no, and stamped on his foot. Not the smartest move on my part. He proceeded to spank me even harder, holding me down and not letting me get away until I said that I was done. We went back to cooking and didn't say anything about the incident, just acted like it didn't happen for the rest of the evening. But I reined in my sassy self and was more careful about how I spoke to him.

But my mind was in all sorts of uproar.

How dare he spank me, I didn't do anything to deserve it, I was just being my sassy fabulous self. 
Bastard. This TOTALLY wasn't what I had agreed upon. 

And then I realized that it was. But this was the first time that he had made a move without my asking him to do so. And it was deserved, and it wasn't my choice when he punished me. It was his. Holy hell it was a turning point. He really is in control, this isn't just something that we dabble in. It's real, and I'm getting exactly what I asked for.

I think shit's just gotten real.

Being thankful

Because several of my last posts have been rather dramatic and not in a positive way I thought that I should probably balance them with a post full of thanks. And in honour of my 24th birthday which is this week here are 24 things I have to be thankful for.

Family

1. I have an incredible husband who both puts up with my melodramatics and who supports me in all that I do. He's also pretty damn handsome to boot.
2. Little bug, the most amazing little person I've ever met. Entirely happy, healthy and fucking adorable.
3. My family, while not always understanding the decisions I make, are always in my corner.
4. His family, who have welcomed me with open arms, proclaiming me to be the daughter that they never had but always wanted.

Sir

1. Might not always understand what it is that I'm craving but is always willing to work towards it with me.
2. Is really good at acting as the voice of reason and caution for me when I need it.
3. Calms my fears, even the irrational ones.
4. Loves me unconditionally and wants what is best for me. 

Parish life

1. We are blessed with an amazing parish and priest who have welcomed us with joy and gladness.
2. Both Sir and I have wise and thoughtful godparents who would give us the shirts off of our backs if we ever needed them. 
3. Likewise little bug is blessed with a wonderful godfather who will help instruct him in the ways of the church and life. 
4. I have a godsister who I love like she is blood, and who I can call anytime of day. 

Work

1. I am able to work from home, half time with a schedule that I set.
2. I'm establishing myself in the industry and within the business. 
3. My employers are generous kind people.
4. I have a job that I may not be head over heels in love with, but is a good dependable position that I make work for myself. 

Misc

1. Our community and our neighbors who keep Sir and I sane in this particular stage of our life. 
2. Good friends both here and in our hometown who are always up for spending an afternoon or evening in our favourite pub. 
3. My family is all in excellent health. And my gluten allergy is totally under control.
4. Coffee, because this mama runs off of the magical drink.
5. Harry Potter, because well it helped keep me sane when everything around me seemed like it was falling apart. And because lets face it, it's pretty much the most amazing book series out there.
6. Dark chocolate, again, because I run off of the stuff. 
7. This blog, as it gives me a place to talk with other like minded individuals without the fear of judgement or rejection.
8. The rich and unexpected blessings we've been given and the many opportunities that are presenting themselves. 

Have a wonderful and richly blessed day everyone!

Visiting family

Sir's family is in town this week. Visits from them always stress me out for various reasons, but the primary one is that I'm simply still uncomfortable with my mil. She disapproves of several of our life choices, and of what Sir is looking at doing post graduation. And more seriously she disapproved of Sir and I having little bug (she is now head over heels in love with him, thank God) but it left a bad taste in my mouth. They are staying in a hotel several miles away though and we are only spending afternoons and evenings with them because Sir and I are both working and he has classes so the visit shouldn't be nearly as stressful as the last one.

She is also a very dominate person and is in many ways the lead in her and my fil's marriage which makes me a bit uncomfortable. I'm ok with her being dominate, I can totally be an alpha female when I need to be and am working on establishing some boundaries, but when she starts bossing Sir and my fil around it makes me really upset. Sir isn't one to rock the boat unless he has too, and rarely will he say anything negative to his mum, so I'm left feeling irritated at a man who I know could easily stand up for himself but is refusing to do so. All very frustrating for the both of us.

With the added stress of the family visit I tend to revert back to my previous more dominate ways in an effort to keep my own stress levels down and I'm really working this visit on not doing that. His family operates in a totally different way from my family and while I struggle with that I'm working on just going with the flow rather than having a "5 point plan" for the day. I'm also working on just letting him take the lead and instead am focusing on making sure that little bug is taken care of and just trying to enjoy the visit. He'll make sure that things happen how they need to happen. (Ok, I am coordinating with his mum tomorrow regarding our afternoon plans, but that is simply because Sir is in class for most of the day and can't do it as easily as I can). In some ways the timing of this visit, given what transpired last week, is a really good thing because it's forcing me to step back and take stock in my own behaviour in light of everything.

We've added daily maintenance spankings to the equation and I'm hoping those help keep my head in the right place. We shall see!

Renewing the contract

This post is a bit more rambling than normal, my apologizes in advance.

We finally had a chance to officially renew the contract yesterday. We were originally planning on doing it on Monday, but things just ended up getting in the way. Towards the end of the week though some things happen that made me start to wonder if we were actually going to make it, both as a D/s and as a couple.

I'm primarily a breastfeeding mama, we formula feed sometimes, but it it more so that Sir has a chance to bond with little bug, keep him happy during our 2 hour liturgies, or so I can run away errands without him. Point is, its mainly the breasts that keep little bug happy. Breastfeeding almost exclusively should in theory keep mother nature's monthly visits at bay. However, we are blessed with a child who decided at 6 weeks that he wanted to sleep through the night, which is great in theory. But with this blessing came the return of mother nature, in all of her glory, making up for the year plus she's been away. I've heard rumours of women who manage to stay sane rational people when mother nature visits them. I'm not one of them. On the crazy scale I'm somewhere between Charlie Sheen and the crazy screaming woman that no one wants to sit next to on the bus. I look some what normal, but the crazy lurks beneath the surface and it doesn't take a lot to either set me off or reduce me to tears when MN visits.

This week she decided to show up and combine her crazy with my already fragile postpartum depression state. It wasn't pretty, but thankfully the worst was only about 36 hours long. Those 36 hours happen to be the time when I decided that it was a great idea to tell Sir exactly how I feel about how everything has been going with us lately. I said some things that I shouldn't have, things that I later had to ask for forgiveness for (I can count on one hand the number of times that I've asked for forgiveness from him since I've known him, it's not something that I'm comfortable with doing at all so if it was bad enough that I asked forgiveness, it was really really bad). I said some things that made me wonder if he was going to ask for a divorce when he got back from running errands. Things like "if you don't appreciate my body I'll find someone else who will" and "we have three options, either work on issues in our marriage by ourselves, find a counselor, or we need to get a divorce". The root issues behind the statements were things we needed work on under normal circumstances, but with my emotions being so raw and front and center everything was amplified.

After having the blowout that ended with me in tears in curled up in Sir's lap, we had an afternoon of separation with the promise of finishing the conversation later last night. After his afternoon classes he headed out to run some errands more mad than I've ever seen him. I was so distraught over the entire thing that I spent the hour plus he was gone in an almost continual state of tears. During this point I called my godsister to talk everything through which proved to be one of the wisest decisions I made yesterday. She reminded me that Sir and I were at one point passionately in love, and that, like every thing good there is an ebb and flow to passion and that right now we were just in an ebb. Which, as she also reminded me, was totally normal given everything that had happened in our lives in the last several months. So when Sir came home I was still scared about the conversation, but feeling much more hopefully. Apparently the hour of errand running was good for him as well. He entirely surprised me when he came home with a bouquet of flowers and dark chocolate for me and was ready to talk everything through. Our conversation went better than I think either of us could have imagined, and I think we both walked away from it in a much better place than when we had started.

One of the issues that came up was his lack of initiative. We got into our D/s relationship in the first place in part because I struggled with that side of him. While we fought almost constantly, in general he didn't like to take the initiative. After last night he's going to be making much more of an effort to take charge, which is a huge relief to me. I don't like being the initiator in everything we do, I love to serve, not to lead and it's exhausting for me. And it makes me feel like something is wanting in me when I need to initiate everything sexual.

After all of the conversations yesterday we finally were in a place where we could renew the contract, which we did with little ceremony. I'm filled with so much hope for our relationship as a whole. He's promised to start doing daily maintenance spankings which I think will help keep my mind in a good place. And we've come up with more ways for me to serve him which makes me so happy. And we've decided that we need to start seeing someone both as a couple and as individuals.

Since we started doing this in April our lives have gotten slowly but surely better. It has laid bare our flaws but it's also starting to show our strengths and that is a beautiful thing. I can't wait to see where we are when it's time to renew it again.

Toys

Two questions:

1. Does anyone have a recommendation for a nice middle of the road dildo and/or ball gag? We are looking to branch out and start putting together a proper toy collection.

2. If we could only add one toy to our collection what would people recommend adding? Doesn't have to be a dildo or gag, I'm just curious as to people's favourite toys.

Thanks in advance!

Self worth and body image

Part of writing this blog was to provide an outlet for processing my thoughts that don't necessarily require being written old school. I do have a journal that Sir gave me, a couple of months into dating that I use on a regular basis when I'm trying to figure out life problems, or simply issues that don't belong on the inter-connected-webs. The topic I'm writing about tonight could easily fall into either category, the blog or my journal. But I decided what the hell, I'll just throw it out there for everyone to see.

Like most women, growing up I didn't think that I was super attractive. I had awkward glasses, I was socially awkward, not interested in what my peers were doing, but incredibly jealous of the "skinny bitches" around me. I swam competitively and so was in fairly good shape, but because of my undiagnosed gluten allergy my good shape was hidden for the most part under a layer of fat that I just couldn't seem to loose. I graduated high school early at 16 and went to a large state university in my home town for my first year of college. I've always had the dis/advantage (depending on how you look at it) of looking 4-6 years older than I actually am most of the time and was naturally curvy, and it was my freshman year of college that I discovered that I could use it to my advantage. Because of my family dynamic, the fact that I always preferred classic books over YA novels, and because my own social insecurities around people my own age, I discovered that men several years older were interested in me. And yeah, I had some of the normal super skeezy types, the ones who just wanted to date a younger woman, but there were one or two who dated me more because I could carry on a conversation about political theory and the current day events instead of my age.

At some point it became a goal of mine to date only older men, and by older I mean at least 5 years. I preferred them between 5-15 years older, but I could work on either side of that age limit if necessary. And following the original goal, I decided that I wanted to become eye candy for older gentlemen, a courtesan of sorts if you will. And so I met my first serious interest, Mr. X, who saw me numerous occasions in the three or so years that we knew each other. He definitely pushed the age barrier, and at 59 was 40 years older than me. But I enjoyed his company. We discussed everything from religion to politics, D/s to travel. He was an entirely fascinating gentleman who could always be trusted to provide me with an excellent dinner and conversation over a glass of wine. I looked good on his arm, and he opened my eyes to a more sophisticated world. We worked well together. Despite him never having an issue with what I looked like though, I always felt enormous. The year that he and I met I was down to eating maybe one meal a day, smoking copious amounts and living off of coffee and diet coke. I dropped 4 sizes in one semester and still felt large. The self confident issues never went away, they just hovered under the surface waiting to pop up. After Mr. X came several others, none of them nearly as interesting as Mr. X, but not entirely dull either. But because they were all 40 or older, and I had a harder time dating men my own age, I just assumed that because I had some curves I wasn't appealing to men my own age.

And they did pop up again. Because of some transfers between colleges I ended up a sophomore again during my 4th year of college. And it was my 4th year of college that things started going down hill again. I had stopped eating really even that one meal a day, spent several hours a day at the gym, consumed a pot of coffee before my 10.30 class in the morning, and was well on my way to becoming a chain smoker. But I had never looked better in my mind. Some things had happened the spring of my fourth year that I was trying to forget and it was through the gym, coffee, cigarettes, the occasional forced vomiting, etc that I coped with them. What did it matter that my rib cage was starting to show through clearly, or that I was having a hard time sleeping at night and was experiencing pains commonly associated with being malnourished and starving. I looked good, still thought that I was huge and had weight to loose, but hell, people were saying that I looked good.

And that continued until I met my husband. When he and I met Mr. X and I were still seeing each other, I was still for the most part avoiding food, although I added in quite a bit of alcohol to my diet, and I was working out almost constantly. As he and I were getting to know each other, I ended up having less time to work out, because I wanted to spend that time with him. And so I started putting on weight, little bits here and there. The winter after we met I went on the GAPS diet to restore some order to my poor system and lost the weight again, but after going off the GAPS diet I gained it back pretty quickly. He didn't care though. He thought that I was beautiful, and he loved every inch of my body. So I let it be. And things continued, and I continued to gain weight. Never in an unhealthy way, but just in a way that made me uncomfortable. At some point I stopped letting him buy me lingerie because I was horribly embarrassed by the weight in my thighs and stomach. Things got super busy my last year of college, I was planning a wedding, finally dealing with what had happened a couple of years back, writing my senior thesis, and planning to move across the country. It was all I could do to keep my head afloat, exercise just wasn't really a part of the equation. And the weight would come off a little bit, then go back on, and back and forth.

Flash forward little over a year after graduation and it's now been little over three months since I've given birth. Being pregnant was probably the only time in my life that I was ever ok with my body, and ok with the weight gain. But now that I've given birth I've lost the one place in which it was acceptable to carry a bit of extra weight. Even with eating well and exercising the fact of the matter remains that I gained more weight than I wanted to while pregnant. And now I'm having to deal with it. But because I can't hide behind my pregnancy any longer every single self image issue and size problem has come back with a vengeance. I have stretch marks on my tummy, hips, and thighs. I have an awkward pooch on my tummy, and saddle bags that I've never had before. Hell, even my pussy feels enormous and huge. The hubby is wonderful and swears up and down that I'm desirable and sexy and beautiful. And I'm sure he's telling the truth, but I can't see it. I look in the mirror and see someone who has bumps in weird places, who can't fit into her old pants, and who looks like hell.

I'm not sure what the worst part is, feeling fat and ugly, or wondering if I'm actually sexually attractive to Sir any longer. Selfishly I wish that I wasn't breastfeeding so that I could go back on my old method of loosing the weight; the "Coffee, cigarettes, and gym diet". But even then, because of who we've become it wouldn't work. We've committed to raising little bug in a smoke free zone. And Sir wouldn't be ok with it. So I feel stuck. Tonight he went down on me, and it was like a dead zone down south. Maybe it was his skill? But I feel like it was because I felt so unattractive while he was eating me out. All I could think about was the size of my thighs, the fact that my pussy is all puffy and the bulge of a tummy that I now have. Yuck, who wants to go down on that.

I don't know what to do to fix this.

Waiting more and wanting more

This week has been a bit of a blur with school starting back up for Sir, a work project of mine becoming all consuming, and a couple of nights with bad sleep. Last week Sir told me that he had used some money that I was hoping would go to new glasses for him on me instead. I had no idea what it was, just that I was to find out yesterday. Oh, and that he was "kicking" me out of the house for the day and watching little bug for me to give me a break. All week I'd been trying to get some information out of him about what it was, and all I got was "I'm dropping you off somewhere and picking you up when you're ready to be picked up". Not a lot to work with, that's for sure. Oh my goodness, he totally blew my mind yesterday with what he had planned for me. 

Not giving me any guidance regarding my outfit and shoes other than "doesn't matter if you're in heels or flats, you're not going to be doing much walking" (ok, rules out being dropped in the middle of the forest, but that's about it...) he whisked me off around 9.30 yesterday morning and delivered me to a nicer day spa downtown, told me that everything was paid for, they were expecting me, and that I was to get myself some coffee when I was done and let him know when I wanted to be picked up. The man is winning brownie points to get him easily through the next year. 

The spa was amazing. The all day treatment started off with an hour long massage, followed by a body scrub and facial, then lunch, and was concluded with a mani-pedi with a paraffin dip for both hands and feet. I left feeling so much like myself again, and not like I had just given birth not too long ago. It really was exactly what the doctors had called for. Sir finished off the amazing day with making roasted lemon and rosemary chicken and bacon wrapped scallops for dinner. I did mention the incredible number of brownie points he's scoring, right?

Anyways, after all of that, and well into our bottle of wine, we were finally able to discuss the renewing of our contract. It was one of the best conversations we've had in a long time about ttwd. We both were able to open up about some things that we wanted to change, fears we were experiencing and things the other person could stand to work on. The conversation lasted several hours and covered just about everything that we could possibly talk about. At the end of the conversation it was decided that we would take a couple of days to think over everything that was said, and we would convene to have contract conversation pt. 2 the first of next week, pending schedules of course. 

I hate waiting, always have, probably always will. If I've made a decision I like to act on it almost immediately. It might take me a little while to finally make the decision, but once I do it's action time. This period of waiting to think about what we've talked about is entirely frustrating. In my mind I've made up my mind and I want to go go go. None of this sitting around thinking more about it business. But, that's not how Sir works. He is a "lets talk about it, think about it, talk about it, and maybe think about it some more before we decide to act" type of man. Which is perfectly fine, but sometimes drives me up the wall. Especially when it's about a topic like this. Part of what was discussed last night was adding in more structure, more spankings, more punishments when needed, less of letting me get away with murder, less of me trying to get away with murder, etc. You get the idea, more D/s than before. 

I've been a blog stalker for some time now, and I occasionally experience what I like to call submissives envy. Everybody else has more D/s in their lives, more toys, more spankings, more kneeling, etc. then we do. And I want it!!!! Regardless of the fact that most everybody else is further along in their relationships than we are, or don't have a 3 almost 4 month old, or are living in an environment more conducive to this type of relationship, or something else, I want what they have. But, the fact of the matter remains that I can't have quite what they have, because Sir and I aren't them. We are us, and our relationship is wonderful, and scary, and good, and challenging and filled with its own ups and down and toys and D/s and everything that makes us uniquely us. So while I may be wanting more, I need to keep remembering that what I have right now is really rather wonderful. 

So, we are waiting for a couple more days to think, and I'm working on not coveting my neighbor's ass, or whip, or rule. And I'm going to do it while enjoying what I have, like my amazing husband and Sir, a perfectly happy and healthy child, and the healthy starts to a wonderful and lasting D/s relationship. Definitely looking for to our next conversation though!

Food p.s. That leftover chicken carcass from last night? So definitely going into my stock pot. Nothing better on a cooler fall morning than a steaming cup of homemade chicken stock with fresh sauerkraut and egg. 

What's in a name?

I've been doing a bit of thought about my blogging name "Mistress in the kitchen but pet to my Sir" and felt like I should probably offer a bit of explanation about it.

<<Warning, this blog post may contain a bit of a paleo foods soap box.>>

I am 100% Sir's pet.

With that being said, if the food decisions were left up to him without any dietary investigation, we would be most likely be eating homemade mac and cheese, burgers, pizza and things like that. Which in themselves are not bad, but some of us "cough me" can't quite handle like we would like. I have a gluten allergy that presents itself in numerous wonderful and horrifying ways such as hair loss, bitchiness, and depression when ignored. Because I love Sir, and myself and our little bug, I choose to live a gluten free lifestyle. When we got married his wedding present to me was a gluten free kitchen that I could eat from without getting sick. This was quite the present, especially considering the fact that he can eat whatever he wants without any ill effects.

So, when we moved into our first apartment he said goodbye to eating regular food and said hello to eating a gf lifestyle. (With the exception of beer, because no man should be without his beer). After being gf for a number of years I started noticing that even though I was avoiding gluten like it was the plague, I wasn't feeling as good as I should be. And thus another change in diet. We switched over to eating a primarily paleo diet and stopped buying pasta, sugar, cheese, and grains on a regular basis. I felt better almost instantly. And, even though he is loath to admit it, Sir felt better when he cut down on his sugar intake.

None of this would have been possible though had he not been ok with it. But because he knows that I spend time and energy investigating what a good diet should comprise of, and I try not to throw anything too weird at him, he pretty much goes along with whatever I want to do. Although sometimes he does laugh at my coconut oil obsession.

*As a side note, I use coconut oil for everything.. . including lube for sex. It's amazing and doesn't cause any irritation for me (I have super sensitive skin), and smells good too! I highly recommend it*

As part of this arrangement I try to make sure that every week we have something not so paleo, be it baked apples with homemade bourbon infused whipped cream or nachos. Because eating strict paleo just doesn't work for either of us. We both need our cheats. If he didn't get his regular food every now and then I'm pretty sure that our arrangement just wouldn't work any longer. And I would be far more likely to go indulge in some food that would make me feel like hell if I didn't give myself a cheat.

But point being, anything I do in the kitchen is with his blessing. I may be Mistress there and guide our family's nutrition, but I still run almost every meal by him, and give him a couple of choices to choose from so that I make sure to cook what he wants.

Except apparently this week. This week he took over the cooking and all I have to do is eat what he's prepared (which has been entirely paleo). Because he's amazing like that.

Home and living 24/7

Little bug and I made it home yesterday evening, after a long arduous day of travel. Little bug once again demonstrated his awesome traveling skills; and when he wasn't flirting with the flight attendants he ate and slept all the way home. (Thank God, I did not want to be "that woman" on the flight with the screaming child). Sir was waiting to welcome us home and whisked us away to our favorite diner so that I wouldn't be tempted or feel obligated to cook. He totally blew me away when he told me that not only was the house clean and the laundry taken care of, but he had also meal planned for the entire week, and done all of the grocery shopping so I wouldn't have to worry about anything. This is coming from a man who, until we started dating, had never thought of meal planning much less meal planning following the paleo diet. He pretty much won the husband of the year award.  

On my flights home I took some time to think about what makes our relationship work, and how we keep our D/s 24/7. Without even considering the D/s aspect of our relationship, our lives are insanely busy. Sir is in school full time and working three or four evenings a week, we have a three and a half month old and I'm working from my home office between 20-30 hours a week while being a stay at home mum. There is rarely a dull moment in our home. There is a reason that we built in so many "mundane" rules into our contract. Things like, me being responsible for having Sir's favourite whiskey on hand, or keeping him apprised of my comings and goings through out the day, etc. All of them go to making our relationship what it is. Each of them act as little reminders for us of what is important and helps further cement his dominance and my submission as a living and breathing reality. 

If we were to limit his D and my s to just the bedroom, when having sex right now requires an act of schedule juggling and ultimately is dependent on little bug, our relationship would not be nearly as strong as it is right now. Because there are some weeks when we have the time and energy to have sex maybe twice, and that's if we are lucky. But because we've taken it that one step further, and integrated ttwd throughout the day, things just work better. 

On the topic of sex, finally being home last night was wonderful. After little bug went down, Sir took me to the basement and spent very long time spanking me. He took his time, and worked over every inch of my ass, occasionally stopping to grab it or to caress it. After making up for lost time, and spanks, he led me upstairs and let me pleasure him for quite sometime until he finally came in my mouth. He probably would have cum much sooner than he did, but he let me decide how to pleasure him and I decided to drag it out, making sure to lick, suck, and caress every inch of his cock and balls before he finally came. With both of us being exhausted we decided to call it an early night, but not before he used his incredible mouth on my pussy, which made this pet feel entirely satisfied. It was so nice to finally sleep in our bed again, snuggled around Sir. 

His classes are startin this week which will make things more chaotic, but we are hoping that the progress we've made over the summer will help us keep things going strong. This Thursday we will be finally able to sit down and look at the contract and talk about any changes that we might want to make to it. I've got some ideas that I would love to see implemented for me, but ultimately it is dependent on him. 

Headed home

Finally, after being gone for way too long, little bug and I are headed home. I can't wait to be back with Sir, and almost more importantly a more comfortable bed. He has been busy while I've been away, cleaning and what not, and I found out last night pulling together some fun new toys to use on me. Can't wait to finally be back in his arms, and in his bed; and of course kneeling at his feet with his cock in my mouth.