Just my thoughts on food, sex, booze, and our crazy life

Friday, September 6, 2013

Self worth and body image

Part of writing this blog was to provide an outlet for processing my thoughts that don't necessarily require being written old school. I do have a journal that Sir gave me, a couple of months into dating that I use on a regular basis when I'm trying to figure out life problems, or simply issues that don't belong on the inter-connected-webs. The topic I'm writing about tonight could easily fall into either category, the blog or my journal. But I decided what the hell, I'll just throw it out there for everyone to see.

Like most women, growing up I didn't think that I was super attractive. I had awkward glasses, I was socially awkward, not interested in what my peers were doing, but incredibly jealous of the "skinny bitches" around me. I swam competitively and so was in fairly good shape, but because of my undiagnosed gluten allergy my good shape was hidden for the most part under a layer of fat that I just couldn't seem to loose. I graduated high school early at 16 and went to a large state university in my home town for my first year of college. I've always had the dis/advantage (depending on how you look at it) of looking 4-6 years older than I actually am most of the time and was naturally curvy, and it was my freshman year of college that I discovered that I could use it to my advantage. Because of my family dynamic, the fact that I always preferred classic books over YA novels, and because my own social insecurities around people my own age, I discovered that men several years older were interested in me. And yeah, I had some of the normal super skeezy types, the ones who just wanted to date a younger woman, but there were one or two who dated me more because I could carry on a conversation about political theory and the current day events instead of my age.

At some point it became a goal of mine to date only older men, and by older I mean at least 5 years. I preferred them between 5-15 years older, but I could work on either side of that age limit if necessary. And following the original goal, I decided that I wanted to become eye candy for older gentlemen, a courtesan of sorts if you will. And so I met my first serious interest, Mr. X, who saw me numerous occasions in the three or so years that we knew each other. He definitely pushed the age barrier, and at 59 was 40 years older than me. But I enjoyed his company. We discussed everything from religion to politics, D/s to travel. He was an entirely fascinating gentleman who could always be trusted to provide me with an excellent dinner and conversation over a glass of wine. I looked good on his arm, and he opened my eyes to a more sophisticated world. We worked well together. Despite him never having an issue with what I looked like though, I always felt enormous. The year that he and I met I was down to eating maybe one meal a day, smoking copious amounts and living off of coffee and diet coke. I dropped 4 sizes in one semester and still felt large. The self confident issues never went away, they just hovered under the surface waiting to pop up. After Mr. X came several others, none of them nearly as interesting as Mr. X, but not entirely dull either. But because they were all 40 or older, and I had a harder time dating men my own age, I just assumed that because I had some curves I wasn't appealing to men my own age.

And they did pop up again. Because of some transfers between colleges I ended up a sophomore again during my 4th year of college. And it was my 4th year of college that things started going down hill again. I had stopped eating really even that one meal a day, spent several hours a day at the gym, consumed a pot of coffee before my 10.30 class in the morning, and was well on my way to becoming a chain smoker. But I had never looked better in my mind. Some things had happened the spring of my fourth year that I was trying to forget and it was through the gym, coffee, cigarettes, the occasional forced vomiting, etc that I coped with them. What did it matter that my rib cage was starting to show through clearly, or that I was having a hard time sleeping at night and was experiencing pains commonly associated with being malnourished and starving. I looked good, still thought that I was huge and had weight to loose, but hell, people were saying that I looked good.

And that continued until I met my husband. When he and I met Mr. X and I were still seeing each other, I was still for the most part avoiding food, although I added in quite a bit of alcohol to my diet, and I was working out almost constantly. As he and I were getting to know each other, I ended up having less time to work out, because I wanted to spend that time with him. And so I started putting on weight, little bits here and there. The winter after we met I went on the GAPS diet to restore some order to my poor system and lost the weight again, but after going off the GAPS diet I gained it back pretty quickly. He didn't care though. He thought that I was beautiful, and he loved every inch of my body. So I let it be. And things continued, and I continued to gain weight. Never in an unhealthy way, but just in a way that made me uncomfortable. At some point I stopped letting him buy me lingerie because I was horribly embarrassed by the weight in my thighs and stomach. Things got super busy my last year of college, I was planning a wedding, finally dealing with what had happened a couple of years back, writing my senior thesis, and planning to move across the country. It was all I could do to keep my head afloat, exercise just wasn't really a part of the equation. And the weight would come off a little bit, then go back on, and back and forth.

Flash forward little over a year after graduation and it's now been little over three months since I've given birth. Being pregnant was probably the only time in my life that I was ever ok with my body, and ok with the weight gain. But now that I've given birth I've lost the one place in which it was acceptable to carry a bit of extra weight. Even with eating well and exercising the fact of the matter remains that I gained more weight than I wanted to while pregnant. And now I'm having to deal with it. But because I can't hide behind my pregnancy any longer every single self image issue and size problem has come back with a vengeance. I have stretch marks on my tummy, hips, and thighs. I have an awkward pooch on my tummy, and saddle bags that I've never had before. Hell, even my pussy feels enormous and huge. The hubby is wonderful and swears up and down that I'm desirable and sexy and beautiful. And I'm sure he's telling the truth, but I can't see it. I look in the mirror and see someone who has bumps in weird places, who can't fit into her old pants, and who looks like hell.

I'm not sure what the worst part is, feeling fat and ugly, or wondering if I'm actually sexually attractive to Sir any longer. Selfishly I wish that I wasn't breastfeeding so that I could go back on my old method of loosing the weight; the "Coffee, cigarettes, and gym diet". But even then, because of who we've become it wouldn't work. We've committed to raising little bug in a smoke free zone. And Sir wouldn't be ok with it. So I feel stuck. Tonight he went down on me, and it was like a dead zone down south. Maybe it was his skill? But I feel like it was because I felt so unattractive while he was eating me out. All I could think about was the size of my thighs, the fact that my pussy is all puffy and the bulge of a tummy that I now have. Yuck, who wants to go down on that.

I don't know what to do to fix this.

15 comments:

  1. I was just thinking about doing a post on body consciousness... sounds like we've got a few issues in common ;) I definitely feel for you... although I'm completely baffled as to how old you are? Sounds like you are still in school, so does that make you early 20s? Because the tone sounds more like 30's... and if you're only in your 20s, you should not be feeling that way for a long time yet! ;) But I totally get feeling unsexy and being unable to get sexed up... I wish I had a magic answer for you, but I don't :( I can, however, offer you a big hug :))

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  2. Thanks!
    I'm out of school, but only by a year. I will be 24 this month:-) Glad I sound older than I am? I was afraid I have been coming off as entirely petulant and childish. And I had a long talk with Sir about things after this post that helped a bit, but it's not an issue that will go away over night for me, as much as I would love for it to happen :-( We are going back to eating 80/20 paleo though, which should help a bit.

    Ren

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  3. I just found your blog from your comment on mine. You should add a followers section on your blog.

    Anyway, sorry about all your body issues. I happy to love curvy women. You don't come off as petulant and childish. You come off as someone who could use some therapy to deal with all these issues. And I hope you Sir gives you a lot of positive reinforcement by telling you how sexy you are.

    And sorry that you thought no one would want to go down on you. Obviously, he does because he was doing it. If you don't go to therapy, hold you will find some books to read on the subject of body issues. You are so young and it'd be good if you can find a way to like your body. Hope I didn't come across as lecturing but I tend to get on my soapbox when I hear about women who don't think positive thoughts about their body. Good luck.

    FD

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  4. I'm glad I don't come off as childish or petulant! As far as therapy is concerned, I could absolutely stand to use some, and am working towards that. I'm entirely fortunate that I've got my wonderful Sir who puts time and energy into making his feeling towards me known. We are both making it a goal make sure that I have time to workout several times a week so that I can get some happy endorphins flowing.

    And you come off as someone who cares about women in general, not lecturing :-)

    Ren

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  5. Thank you for the kind comments. Yes, I like to think I care about women in general. I think it's tough to be a woman in our society. Many women don't have supportive husbands and they tend to do two jobs -- working outside the home and inside the home -- and it's exhausting.

    Good to hear that you're working out. And that you are thinking of therapy. Hopefully, therapy can help you deal with your self worth and body issues. The wonderful thing is that you have found a Sir who obviously thinks you are very sexy and loves your body. Let's hope you can learn to love it, too. You're still very young and will have a much better life if you can learn to do that. Good luck.

    And wanted to ask if you would like more visitors. If you do, you start making more comments on other blogs the way you did on mine. The bloggers will start clicking on you and you will get more visitors. You have an interesting blog because you are so candid about your issues.

    If you don't mind, I could do a blog on body issues and link to your blog and that might get you noticed. You can also email Bonnie, who runs the bottomsmarts.blogspot.com and often links to new bloggers. That would get you more visitors. You have a good blog and I would think members of our blogging community would enjoy reading it.

    FD

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  6. You're entirely right about it being tough to be a woman in our society. Even with working from home there are plenty of daily challenges that my Sir wouldn't have. Such as feeling guilty because we don't have a sparkling home, or realizing halfway through the day that I have yet to shower. But, these are things that aren't as important as caring for little bug, or working. And Sir doesn't really care about the spotless apartment, it's mainly just in my head!

    And yes, I would like more visitors, but I worry that I come off as stalkerish by commenting so much on others blogs:-D That would be wonderful if you linked to my blog in a post, thank you! And I'll definitely shoot Bonnie an email about linking to my blog.

    Thank you for your helpful suggestions, I totally feel like the "new kid on the playground" right now.

    Ren

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  7. Making comments on blogs doesn't make you stalkerish. :)

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  8. Welcome to being the new kid on the playground and don't feel you are stalking to make comments. Conina is right. And bloggers love comments.

    And good that your Sir doesn't care about a spotless apartment. And don't worry about showering every day if you are busy. And I will link to your blog and hopefully that will get you some traffic.

    FD

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  9. Bloggers like comments, so don't think you're stalking.
    Breastfeeding can reduce your libido, mother natures way of helping you focus on one kid at a time. Hormones get screwed around too. He still finds you sexy, even if you struggle, remember that. Things will get better and easier.

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    1. Thanks:-) And mother nature is a bit of a bitch some days, reduced libido, stretch marks, and hair loss all at the same time hardly seems fair.

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  10. First, welcome to blog land.

    Wow. How perfect is this post after my time with Sir last night. The humiliation play had to do with my self image issue. He is trying to reshape my thinking, and knows society is part of the reason i feel the way i feel. i really thought after a year, i'm learning to deal with my self image, but He informed me i am refusing to deal with it directly. i'm confused what He means, but am working through it. I'll be writing a post on my humiliation play in the next day or so.

    i so understand how hard it is to enjoy intimately when you are feeling unattractive.

    i think it's time we reshape society. i just wish i knew how. i also wish i had answers for you.

    i have a question to ask you? do not answer here, but maybe to bring up with Sir. Could you also possibly be having the baby blues and deflecting it onto self image issues? Obviously, you have had them for years, but it seems at one point you were comfortable with yourself. Maybe start writing down what would make you feel comfortable, and work with Sir on it? I hope you can get back to being healthy and happy. ((hugs)h

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    1. Thanks for the welcome, I'm really enjoying being here! I love having men in our lives who recognize that they need to be a part of the reshaping process. Sir and I had a very lengthy conversation about this last night. And the finally conclusion that we came to was that he would continue reaffirming how he felt about me and about how I actually look until it finally sinks in.

      It is so definitely time to reshape society, and I also wish I knew how to do that.

      Ren

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  11. Florida Dom sent me over. Welcome to blogland.

    Take the time to enjoy "your little bug". They grow so quickly. Focus on him and taking care of yourself in the right way by eating properly. Weight will come off once you stop making it the focus.

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  12. So, I've always had body issues...being called "lard" growing up didn't help (ecspecially since I was a size 8 so not really overweight.) I struggeled with eating disorders until I married Z and then he just wouldn't let me be that way. I guess what helped the most is by loving HIM more then me and realizing that me putting myself down on a continual basis was me not trusting him. He said I was beautiful...and I didn't believe him. Over time this really started hurting him...he would say "Ashley, I hate that my opinion doesn't matter to you." I changed my focus from being skinny, to just being healthy. I've had four kids and I've breastfed all of them...meaning I had to be healthy. I stopped counting calories and just drank lots and lots of water, and ate only WHOLE foods. I'm now vegetarian and actually thinner then BEFORE kids...a size 4-6 now. I lift weights when I have time, try to get in a walk or run a couple times a week...but what has changed is my MIND. Somedays, like when I'm on PMS or watching tv I start feeding that lie of "I'll never look like that...Z must wish I was prettier or skinnier" and then I stop myself and remember what it is that's truly important in life - to love...to not be critical...to accept that I'm beautifully and wonderfully made...that I'm one hot mama who is strong enough to take care of my kids, to make them healthy dinners....and that I'm a role model. Until you love yourself and see the beauty in YOU...what no one else thinks will matter. What he thinks won't matter...you have to accept you, he already does.
    Sorry if that was long :)

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  13. i do not think any women walks away from "younger" years with a healthy body image. i know i was bulimic until my first child. i am still not a healthy weight(far in excess). An now have teen daughters, and work hard to give them a healthy personal ideal, but media in every accept of life makes this so hard. i know i am not a great example but it is an ongoing conversation here, and i work so hard for them not to compare to other fat or thin.

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