Renewing the contract

This post is a bit more rambling than normal, my apologizes in advance.

We finally had a chance to officially renew the contract yesterday. We were originally planning on doing it on Monday, but things just ended up getting in the way. Towards the end of the week though some things happen that made me start to wonder if we were actually going to make it, both as a D/s and as a couple.

I'm primarily a breastfeeding mama, we formula feed sometimes, but it it more so that Sir has a chance to bond with little bug, keep him happy during our 2 hour liturgies, or so I can run away errands without him. Point is, its mainly the breasts that keep little bug happy. Breastfeeding almost exclusively should in theory keep mother nature's monthly visits at bay. However, we are blessed with a child who decided at 6 weeks that he wanted to sleep through the night, which is great in theory. But with this blessing came the return of mother nature, in all of her glory, making up for the year plus she's been away. I've heard rumours of women who manage to stay sane rational people when mother nature visits them. I'm not one of them. On the crazy scale I'm somewhere between Charlie Sheen and the crazy screaming woman that no one wants to sit next to on the bus. I look some what normal, but the crazy lurks beneath the surface and it doesn't take a lot to either set me off or reduce me to tears when MN visits.

This week she decided to show up and combine her crazy with my already fragile postpartum depression state. It wasn't pretty, but thankfully the worst was only about 36 hours long. Those 36 hours happen to be the time when I decided that it was a great idea to tell Sir exactly how I feel about how everything has been going with us lately. I said some things that I shouldn't have, things that I later had to ask for forgiveness for (I can count on one hand the number of times that I've asked for forgiveness from him since I've known him, it's not something that I'm comfortable with doing at all so if it was bad enough that I asked forgiveness, it was really really bad). I said some things that made me wonder if he was going to ask for a divorce when he got back from running errands. Things like "if you don't appreciate my body I'll find someone else who will" and "we have three options, either work on issues in our marriage by ourselves, find a counselor, or we need to get a divorce". The root issues behind the statements were things we needed work on under normal circumstances, but with my emotions being so raw and front and center everything was amplified.

After having the blowout that ended with me in tears in curled up in Sir's lap, we had an afternoon of separation with the promise of finishing the conversation later last night. After his afternoon classes he headed out to run some errands more mad than I've ever seen him. I was so distraught over the entire thing that I spent the hour plus he was gone in an almost continual state of tears. During this point I called my godsister to talk everything through which proved to be one of the wisest decisions I made yesterday. She reminded me that Sir and I were at one point passionately in love, and that, like every thing good there is an ebb and flow to passion and that right now we were just in an ebb. Which, as she also reminded me, was totally normal given everything that had happened in our lives in the last several months. So when Sir came home I was still scared about the conversation, but feeling much more hopefully. Apparently the hour of errand running was good for him as well. He entirely surprised me when he came home with a bouquet of flowers and dark chocolate for me and was ready to talk everything through. Our conversation went better than I think either of us could have imagined, and I think we both walked away from it in a much better place than when we had started.

One of the issues that came up was his lack of initiative. We got into our D/s relationship in the first place in part because I struggled with that side of him. While we fought almost constantly, in general he didn't like to take the initiative. After last night he's going to be making much more of an effort to take charge, which is a huge relief to me. I don't like being the initiator in everything we do, I love to serve, not to lead and it's exhausting for me. And it makes me feel like something is wanting in me when I need to initiate everything sexual.

After all of the conversations yesterday we finally were in a place where we could renew the contract, which we did with little ceremony. I'm filled with so much hope for our relationship as a whole. He's promised to start doing daily maintenance spankings which I think will help keep my mind in a good place. And we've come up with more ways for me to serve him which makes me so happy. And we've decided that we need to start seeing someone both as a couple and as individuals.

Since we started doing this in April our lives have gotten slowly but surely better. It has laid bare our flaws but it's also starting to show our strengths and that is a beautiful thing. I can't wait to see where we are when it's time to renew it again.